Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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