Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
