look no pants
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
