Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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