yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize