I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
