For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
