It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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