Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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