i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
