Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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