Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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