I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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