We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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