Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
