Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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