he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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