Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
being pregnant is like rehab
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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