You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your cock deserves a montage
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
