There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
