College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
