Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
