Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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