How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
