You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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