Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
