my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Randomize
