She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
