I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
