True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
