Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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