Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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