home. puking in laundry basket.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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