I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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