what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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