These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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