This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
