When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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