weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
