Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize