enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
