What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize