did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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