i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
