I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
