wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
