Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
