I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
