I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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