He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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