awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
