i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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