got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Someone came in the potted fern
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
