I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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