I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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