it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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