Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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