My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
