I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
