grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
