i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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