What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize