I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
