Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
